I’m not brave any more darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.
I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest.
If you know yourself, you’ll not be harmed by what is said about you.
A part of me wants you
in the most innocent way possible:
taking off your shoes in my bedroom,
climbing under the sheets and watching
whatever’s in my Netflix queue,
barely even touching
as we talk about our days until we
fall asleep with our
clothes still on.
But another, hungrier part of me
wants you unbuttoning your shirt
before you’re completely through my door,
falling onto my bed, and
scrambling to make your fingers
unbutton my shirt faster
Your mouth shaking out
my name the entire time.
Kiss me with your mouth wide open, I want to learn the molecular imprint of your insides.
Kiss me with your eyes closed, I want our eyelashes to hold hands.
It’s okay if your hands are trembling. Mine are too. I bet the stars are jealous of how we shake and burn.
Leave if your love hurts you. Leave if it is always more pain than it is joy. Contrary to what they’ll tell you, love does not make the world spin round. You can want someone, baby. You can want them until you’re raw. That kind of longing can turn you into water after a live wire has been thrown into it. It can turn you into the hand holding that wire, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. It doesn’t mean you should stay. Don’t hang around just because you’re scared that you’ll never feel that kind of electricity again. It’s not true, it never was. The thing is, you were made to be touched by hands attached to a body that finds itself at rest when it’s with you. That finds itself quietly trembling when you’re together. Those hands need to come with gentle words and an honest mouth. A mouth that says your name in a way that sounds like the very definition of “falling.” So don’t take less than that. Don’t take half of that.
Above all, if it hurts, go. You’ll fall in love so many times that you’ll lose count and it’ll shake you. Tiny vibrations like tectonic plates with every stranger who you looked into the eyes and made your body feel new. Find a love that makes you feel new, and better. Always like you’re moving and staying still at the exact same time. Grow, expand, and if it hurts, leave.
Are you quiet when you need to be loved? Or do you raise your voice into a lion’s roar? Will you nudge yourself into my hips? Will you bite my shoulders and say ‘I need you to love me harder today’? Are you softer in the mornings? Which side of the bed do you like to take? Do you sprawl yourself out and steal the covers? Do you sleep naked? Do you take your coffee black? In the summer, do you flip the pillow and sigh when your cheek touches the cold side? Do you keep the windows open at night? If so, how? Aren’t you scared of monsters? Do you know that I’m scared of everything that lives in the dark? Are you aware that sometimes I get so nervous I forget how to move my feet? Can you be patient? Can you be gentle? Do you know how? Is there a quiet war raging inside of you? When you curl your fists and raise your chin, are you donning your armour? Can I help? Can I fight all of your demons with you? I won’t shy away from them, not if it would make you happy. Do you know that I’d stand in the dark in an empty room for you? Do you know that I trust you’d never ask that of me? Do you know that I don’t flinch when you cup my face? Even though if you so much as twitched too hard you could break me? Isn’t this what trust looks like? Isn’t it how I am always skin and emotions for you? Isn’t it saying ‘I love you more today than I did yesterday, but it was a whole lot yesterday’? Listen, do you feel safest when you’re holding yourself together? Do you think someday you can let that go? Will you let me take the pieces of you and keep them close? Can you let me love you? Will you learn how to? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait.